When I was 31, I fell unexpectedly and madly in love with him. It was a whirlwind romance and after 6 months he wanted me to move in with him. I resisted – it would have required me to change my whole life to suit his life. He had a young son from a previous marriage and was unable to move between us, so I had to do the moving. After 3 years, I finally moved in with him and his son, who was with us part-time.
I was devoted and in love. Although we had our issues, the sex was good and our life was on it’s way. About 6 years into the relationship, we decided to celebrate our commitment with a marriage-style commitment ceremony. We wrote our vows and I asked that he do only one thing for me – promise to tell me if he ever fell in love with someone else. I promised that if I ever had to let him go, I would do so with love. I just never thought it would actually happen.
One day, to my horror, I found out that he was corresponding with a 17-year old foreign girl he had met on a trip! I was devastated. He was 53 at the time. I was 42. I found emails where he told her to go to the consulate and get her papers to leave. There were notes of what they would name their children and all. I just couldn’t believe it. I finally confronted him and told him if he left to see her again that he would be doing so for good. He didn’t leave.
Days later I told him to go to her. I felt it was the only way to have the younger-woman spell broken. He got on a plane and left to be with her for 2 weeks. I was a mess. I didn’t eat or sleep and felt like my life was over.
He came home to explain that she was too young and only wanted his money. I thought, okay, he has seen the light. So we went on with our lives and planned a summer vacation, but things were rocky. I remember so clearly that one day after a hike to a beautiful lake, he asked me to take his picture. I grabbed the camera and looked at him and said “I’m not your girl am I?” He replied in a stark, honest moment, “No.”
I knew it was over. I walked behind him back to camp and felt about as lonely as one could ever feel.
Two days later I discovered another email where he told her he was coming soon to marry her. I confronted him and said, ” If you love her go”. He went home and I flew to a friend’s house in another state. The morning I left to fly away I stopped him and looked at him in the face and told him that “I always loved him and that he would never see me again.”
I never did. He flew to our home, packed his things, and flew to her and married her. I came home to a gutted house and a small check for rent and stuff. I thought I would die.
I was left with our home (that I paid for). Him and his son, whom I cared for for 8 years, were simply gone. I laid on the couch in tears for 2 solid months. I lost 30 pounds. I was devastated. I finally got myself up and got a job – I had to. But every day at lunch I would leave to go cry. There was no day or night I didn’t end up in tears. I finally had to sell the house. I was 42 years old. Honestly, I thought I would just die of grief.
What I have to say now is that I am over it! It’s behind me and has been for about a year. I cannot believe I can say this, but it’s true. He is still married to the girl and has a young son with her. I hear about them from folks I run into on occassion and I can say, “I hope he’s happy.”
I hope something came from the blowing up of our lives. I am well. I have moved, date a lot, look better than I ever did and have gotten on with it. So, if anyone thinks they won’t survive or that they are too old to get back out there I say STOP IT! It’s not true. I lost a husband, a son, a house, my job -my life, and I survived. I am not stronger than anyone else – it’s just that time got me out of it. I hope this helps you all see there is life after your ex – I promise. Just put one foot in front of the other every day. Just take one day at a time.
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